A Family Resemblance

I am crazy about the men in my family. My Dad and my three brothers are Good Men. You know- the type of men we women need in our lives.

They are family men. They are devoted and loyal. They are honest and caring. I've written in this blog more than once about how "at home" I feel when I'm with my brothers.

I've always known that when I eventually found a partner, it would be with someone that makes me feel as "at home" as my family does. Someone who makes me feel as special and as respected and as loved as I am by my family men.

They are smart men, though a bit immature at times. They drink beer, watch football, play x-box. They are men's men. They are funny. They are pains in the ass at times. Sarcasm and a good ribbing rein supreme with my family. As much as they love me, they are just as likely to make fun of me when I mess up.

I've hinted in a couple posts that there is a big "but" in my situation with UnEx. He reminds me of the men in my family. In all of the good ways and some of the bad.

Which is why I'm worried.

Three of the four men in my family are not very physically healthy. Actually, maybe all four of them. But for three of them, it's because of weight. They eat big. Food = love in my family. Big time. They aren't all that active anymore, though each of them are former athletes. One of my brothers has struggled and fought against weight gain on and off, but in recent years, seems to have given up a bit.

It scares the hell out of me. My father and my oldest brother talk about how they don't expect to live a long life. It pisses me off to hear them say such things. My Dad does fight against it all the time, and since he's been diagnosed with diabetes, he seems to work even harder at it. So he manages and maintains, but still probably isn't at ideal weight.

I've struggled with MY weight since my early 30's, and have been thrilled this past year after I dropped some- but live in fear that it will come back.

I have never dated anyone who physically resembled the men in my family. They are fair skinned, fair haired, light eyed, large men. I have typically dated thin, dark haired men. I think a part of me has assumed that I would find someone who has all the best traits of the men I already love, and none of the not-so-great traits.

Well, UnEx does resemble the men in my family. He makes me happy in so many ways, but I can't help this nagging fear and discomfort in the pit of my stomach. He does not seem concerned about his health or eating lifestyle, and of course gets defensive when the subject is mentioned. Of course I care about him and his best interest, but at this point in our relationship, I'm sure my concerns are much more selfish. I worry- what if he gets bigger? I'm attracted to him now, but I feel guilty when I think I'd be more attracted to him if he was thinner, and I wonder if I would stop being attracted to him in the future.

And I worry the effect it could have on me. I love food, and I've already enjoyed cooking meals for him. Am I disciplined enough to stay healthy if I have a partner that isn't focused on that?

The extra kicker is, he smokes. Which of course is a disgusting habit and one he could stop if he wanted. I've told him how I feel about it, yet I've also bummed cigarettes off of him when we are out drinking and socializing. Again, am I strong enough?

This is a new issue for me, and it's pissing me off. Just when I find someone who wants to make me happy...

That Indefinable "It"

I've been looking for It for years. I've seen glimpses of It in different men that I've dated.

What is "It"? That indefinable thing you are looking for in a partner. Very different for each person, of course.

For me, It is the ability to open his heart completely to me. It is the fact that he sees something special in me, and makes me feel special. It is his ability to make me feel protected and safe. It is the fact that he makes me a priority. It is the belief that True Love is Unconditional. Loyalty is key. A partnership can be forever. It is a commitment to work hard at a relationship, to compromise, to respect, to be fully and completely honest.

UnEx has It. I cannot express how thrilling it is to (finally) be with someone who has It.

You're waiting for the "but", right? Because isn't that how I usually respond to things?

(UnEx has said that if I won a million dollars, I'd say "it should have been two million". Not a compliment, I know, but not completely untrue.)

So the "but" here is...there are things about UnEx that have been deal breakers for me in the past. I am being forced to re-examine my priorities. In the meantime, I just can't get enough of him.

He's Opening My Eyes

I have no idea if we're a permanent match. A married friend of mine tells me that if it's right, you know right away.

Maybe. I'm not convinced anyone has the answers when it comes to such things.

What I do know is that I'm learning a LOT from him. He's reminding me of who I am, the person I once was, the person I have forgotten.

He's open and direct and doesn't hold back anything- positive or negative. He makes it clear to me that he is absolutely crazy about me, yet he does not hestitate to point out things that may be bothering him.

He knows I am guarded and cautious. He knows I think and analyze way too much in relationships. He is aware and understands the type of reassurance I need.

He does not show "luke warm interest" or "reluctance" at all. Clearly, he does not know if we are a perfect match either, yet he has no problem jumping right in...with both feet.

The last time I had a long-ish term relationship, the man took a very long time to be very clear in expressing his thoughts to me or about me.

This man took days or weeks to understand me in ways that it has taken others months or years.

He opens his heart to me, and encourages me to do the same. I am reminded me that this is how I used to be. In my younger years, I did not hesitate to be vulnerable and to let a potential partner know that I have a huge amount of love to give, and I am open and ready to give it.

I am becoming aware of how many games have entered into my dating/relationship habits. "Don't call him". "Don't be too available". "Don't see him too often". "Don't appear to like him too much".

Slowly but surely he has been working on busting me out of these bad habits. And he's not gentle in his approach, at all. He's tough and firm. I suspect if he was always sweet and gentle, I probably wouldn't respond as well.

He believes that it doesn't make sense to try to control how a relationship proceeds...it progresses in whatever way it will progress. Editing and restricting behavior will not control the outcome. Being open and going with it is the only way to go.

He has mentioned my "walls" more than once. He makes it clear that he is willing to do what it takes to get over those walls...but only to a point. I know if I don't meet him at least almost halfway, he will give up. I don't blame him, it's only fair.

It's kind of ironic that he used to be a massage therapist, because I feel like he's been giving my heart a massage: getting the kinks out, and making me feel more relaxed.

A Date with My Past

Last weekend, I attended my HS reunion. It's been 25 years since I graduated. This is the first reunion I've attended (they have been having them every five years), and since I didn't remain friends with any of my HS friends, this was the first time I've seen these people in 25 years.

What made me decide to go?

Curiosity, I guess. And an acceptance of where I am in my life. I'm not sure I felt that way when I had the opportunity to attend previous reunions.

I no longer felt embarrassed over my marital status or lack of children. And I was no longer concerned that I wasn't aging as well as I could- my recent weight loss definitely helped with this confidence.

The experience was surreal. I felt as if I was entering into some sort of time warp. What did I learn?

• I am aging QUITE well if I say so myself.
• My marital status is no worse than those on their 2nd or even 3rd marriage.
• I am, indeed, old enough to have a child in college.
• Some of the people that I barely knew in high school seem to be really interesting, quality people.
• People I found intimidating in high school did not have that effect on me now.
• Since I never dated anyone in my class, I found it a bit satisfying to be hit on by several of the guys.
• I felt oddly comfortable in this room of "strangers". There's something about sharing a history, a foundation, that creates a sense of bonding.

One of my favorite moments of the evening was when I was talking to "the most popular guy in our class" for awhile. He's become somewhat of a local celebrity (think big fish, small pond), so he's as cocky as ever. He sees me and gives me a flirty look as he says my name in greeting "Aileen Lastname"!

As he gives me a super huge, slightly suggestive hug, I remember this same exact hug in high school. And I remember him telling me once as he hugged me "Damn, you got a tight little body under there." Yeah, a smarmy comment...but for an insecure high school girl, it's one you remember. Even though he was captain of the football team, and I was a cheerleader, he never showed any significant interest in me.

So now, as we talk, it becomes evident that he has thoroughly read my Facebook profile, has checked out my business website, though he pretends he hasn't.

Somehow, he knows I'm not married. He asks how many hearts I break on a weekly basis. (Apparently, his lines haven't gotten any better over the years.) He then goes on to say- "You know it's because you're too much. I always knew you were too much. I know I could never handle you."

As I jokingly agree with him and inwardly crack up at his attempt at flattery, he continues.

"You know what you need? A dumb guy. Maybe a young guy. A guy that doesn't care that you're too much. Because any smart guy is going to have too much ego to handle that you're smarter. You're just too much."

And no, I wasn't insulted. Because it didn't really matter. And suddenly I didn't feel so bad that I hadn't stayed in contact with anyone from that time of my life. I don't mean to sound snobbish, but in many ways, I think I just was too much!

Unexpected Mr. Right?

Only time will tell...

Of course I have an unwritten list of things that I am looking for in a partner. A list of "deal-breakers".

And I channeled those desires into my vision board, once again hopeful that it will happen for me.

I never thought I'd be stumped like I am right now.

So I met Mr. UnExpected about a month and a half ago. In the midst of going through heartbreak caused by Social Guy.

The first time I met him I was exhausted, hungover, and cranky. And I thought he was obnoxious and a bit annoying. Strangely though, within 24 hours, he and I had become great buddies. We bonded over shared dating dilemmas, frustrations etc.

I was not attracted to him, at all. He was a smoker, and he was bigger than the type of men I usually date. I knew he was attracted to me and made sure that I repeatedly made it clear that he was like a "brother" to me.

But I found it so easy to talk to him. His direct approach to communicating with me was refreshing. Even though his humor was more crude than I like, most of the time I thought he was very funny. And the things that he said- his thoughts on life, love, and dating, really resonated with me. I was surprised he "got it".

Before I knew it, we were communicating every day. If we weren't together, we were im'ing, or texting, or talking on the phone. Pretty much all day long.

Eventually, he started to confront me about the status of our friendship. About his desire to be more than friends. I kinda delayed giving any kind of actual response. I didn't want to lose him, but wasn't sure I wanted to move forward with anything else. He didn't let up, and I couldn't break away.

Last week I attended a singles event with a friend of mine down at the Georgetown waterfront. Coincidentally (on purpose) Mr. UnEx was down at the waterfront at another bar with some mutual friends of ours. The moment I arrived at the singles function, all I could think about was how soon before I could leave and join UnEx at the other bar.

When I got to the other bar, I realized that I was very jealous that there was another woman that seemed to be giving him a LOT of attention. I didn't like it. As the night went on, I realized that I wanted him to be there with me. Eventually our friends left the bar and it was just he and I. Our first one-on-one alone time. Something started to shift in me.

This past week, we've seen each other almost every night. He constantly wants to talk to me or see me, and I feel the same way. He is behaving in the exact way that I've been craving for years. He thinks I am absolutely amazing. I am astounded at the capacity of his heart, and blown away by his full and complete acceptance of me and who I am. He feels compelled by me. He feels urgency to be with me.

I should be walking on air, right? Actually, I'm scared to death. Terrified.

Because I'm not sure if I can let go of the aspects of him that I'm not crazy about. I'm not sure if I'm letting superficial requirements get in the way of what I truly want and need.

Pshaw!!!! What a pain!

When your vision taunts you...

I've been using vision boards over the past few years. I know they became popular when The Secret was popular, but I was using them before that.

I'm a visual person. And a goal-oriented one. So it's a fun exercise for me.

Last year I took my vision board (which had a lot of "find a partner, possibly have a family" theme on it) and I hung it on the wall in my living room.

And I met someone. Someone fabulous.

Eventually during our dating, it was time to have him come over my house. So I took the vision board off the wall and put it away in my bedroom closet.

I was afraid if he saw those pictures of babies and engagement rings he would RUN out the door.

Guess what? His first visit to my home, was his last. Everything immediately fell apart.

Fast forward a year.

I remember my vision board in the back of my closet and decide to take it out. This time I hang it in my master bedroom.

I meet someone. Someone fabulous.

As we progress in our dating, he comes to my house a couple times but I do not allow him in the bedroom (it wasn't because of the vision board, it was because I wasn't ready to invite him into my bedroom.)

Well of course that kind of restraint can't last forever.

So I took the vision board off the wall and put it away in my bedroom closet.

That was the first and last night that particular man came to my house. The relationship immediately fell apart.

Hmmmmm....

So recently, I had a little "vision party" with a couple friends of mine. I started from scratch and designed a very focused, very current board for myself. Amongst other things, there is a theme of wanting a husband/family. I told my friends what had happened with my board in the past.

I asked their advice: Where can I hang it so I don't have to take it down whenever I am ready to invite a man over?

Their response? Next time, don't take it down. See what happens.

Oh my. That sounds pretty scary. I'm mulling it over.

In the meantime, since I created the board and hung it in my kitchen, a very sweet, loving man has expressed his feelings for me. He very much wants to be in a relationship with me, and I feel warm and fuzzy every time I think about him.

I haven't invited him to my house yet.

From Cougar to Big Sister

Being a big sister seems to be a part of my identity.

I have three younger brothers whom I love to death. I think they are amazing people, even if they aren't perfect.

And I relish the big sister role.

My youngest brother is going through some really tough times. His girlfriend of three years with whom he recently purchased a house, just decided she was "no longer in love" with him.

He is crushed.

As am I. I try to stay optimistic for him, try to tell him he will be OK and he will find love...all the while he knows that I haven't.

In meantime, I've been adopted by a couple other young guys that I've met.

A 29 year old that confides in me about all his struggles with women. He doesn't understand why he has trouble approaching them, talking to them, dating them. He is very smart and very attractive, so I don't really get it either. I spend my time boosting his ego and giving advice. But I enjoy it! I like our banter, and I like the way he looks up to me.

A few weeks ago, I was contacted by a 30 year old that I had befriended during my Costa Rica trip a few years ago. He sent me emails once in a while, wanting to get together for lunch. He wanted to tell me about his girlfriend...Then he wanted to tell me about her pregnancy...and his struggle with his decision to marry her. I could tell he was definitely looking for guidance, for counsel, for a mom or a sister. This young man is estranged from his family and has no one.

So I attempted to offer support, my thoughts, my opinions. And he seemed to appreciate it. And it broke my heart to see how badly this young man needs a family. I thought about filling that role for him, but I'm not sure I can. I have a family (whom I could support more)...I have brothers (whom I could talk to more often).

Maybe this is why I keep getting "adopted" by various younger men...It's serving as a reminder to the sister role I already have.