
...and not because I'm not young enough or hot enough (though both those points are true), but because I'm a
terrible breaker-upper.
I can see it now. I'd meet 30 hot guys, and despite the fact that they may be obnoxious, or sad, or not-too-sharp, I wouldn't be able to send any of them home.
The producers would get pissed at me, I'm sure.
I've been thinking about my breaker-upper past lately because I'm currently having trouble cutting one man loose.
The only time I have gone the traditional "I just don't want to be with you" route was with my first long term relationship. I loved him, I was with him for seven years...and then I became infatuated with someone else. That "someone else" had a long term girlfriend that he broke up with quickly and swiftly. I guess that motivated me to make a move.
So what did I do?
I called my first love on the
phone, and quickly, abruptly, coldly told him I was done with our relationship. I didn't even give much of an explanation, and I terminated the conversation as quickly as I could. Rip the band aid off quickly right?
It worked until he ended up on my doorstep in the middle of the night begging to come in. Couldn't say no, it was breaking my heart.
Since then, each time I had doubts about a man or a relationship, I simply created enough drama that sent the man away. Did I doubt his faithfulness? Then continuously accuse him or investigate him for "proof" until I pissed him off (though I was always right).
Am I just not that excited about him? Then I would do one of two things...be such a mean, disagreeable bitch every time I was with him...or simply fade away and not return calls.
Was I worried he just would never commit? Then I would create scenarios that added pressure...invitations to meet the folks...talks about the future. I still have skid marks on my floor.
As I grew older, breaking up became more difficult instead of easier. Each time I was with a man that I wasn't happy with, I almost felt I was thumbing my nose at fate or whatever by rejecting him.
Velvet in Dupont said it best in a recent post:
Because ending a mediocre relationship in your mid-thirties takes a lot of work when the ball is in your court. You wonder if this is your last chance. You wonder if you’ve been too picky. You wonder if this is your last chance. You wonder if you were too hard on him. You wonder if this is your last chance. You wonder if you’ve become inflexible. You wonder if this is your last chance. You wonder if you aren’t meant to be with anyone ever in life. You wonder, god damned it, if this, for the love of all holy hell, is your last fucking chance.So my breaker-upper skills are less than par because of fear. Fear of confrontation, of course. But also fear of losing out. On the big picture.
So returning to my original scenario, what would happen if I was on
The Bachelorette and had to choose from amongst all those men?
Damn, I'd have to get creative with causing enough drama to actually make them want to walk out on a
TV show. Maybe tell them that I believe in polygamy and actually want to stay with all of them? Maybe tell them that I'm only interested in men who are bisexual? Or like to dress as women? Or are willing to completely support me and take care of the house and kids while I get my nails done and go to the spa?
Hmmmmm...maybe one of those methods would work in my current situation.
For the love of god, I'm kidding. Even
I'm not
that bad.